first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
