Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
