you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
