The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So many bounce houses so little time
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
