Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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