I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
