Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
