i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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