how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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