i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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