happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
