He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
