if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize