My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
