Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
