I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
