then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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