when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
