Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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