so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize