every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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