i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
