the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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