i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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