Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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