nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
