he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
