somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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