she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
