i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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