You're my little dorito
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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