dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
