I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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