i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The cops high fived after they tackled you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
