Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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