He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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