1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
