peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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