I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
