I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
