I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
