Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
