Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
