I like to think it a success when the cops are called
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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