i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm always down for nudity.
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