Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
