If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
