Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
