I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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