I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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