im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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