All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
