I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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