Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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