I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
