ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
