grandma shit on top of the toilet
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize