I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
