you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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