So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
