My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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