Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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